Mar 012013
 

Right, when I posted some facts about secretly-terrible vegetables, I promised that next time we’d talk about awesome vegetables. That’s still on the slate. Before I get to that I feel honor-bound to discuss a few things commonly — but erroneously — considered vegetables.

Badgers – Not everything that is delightful when lightly sauteed is a vegetable. Inside their hairy peel, badgers are actually a source of meat!

Fiddleheads – This is a trick, because even though fiddleheads are ferns, they’re also vegetables. They can kill you with microbes that cause string concerts to well up from the depths of your being and spill out of your throat. Until you die.

[enter a squirrel]

Acorns – Nope, under their little berets, these foodstuffs are actually a nut and if you eat them an oak tree will grow in your stomach. If you have nimble abs you might be able to create a bonsai masterpiece.

[exit a slightly sadder squirrel]

Astronaut Ice Cream – This a dessert treat with all the fun and delightful texture of eating a vegetable. None of the flavor, food value, or nutrition, though.

Mushrooms – Most mushrooms are actually fungi but some of them will give you extra lives, like the ST:tNG episode The Inner Light.

 I hope you’ve enjoyed this continuing blog series on vegetables. Next time I’ll totally talk about awesome vegetables, I promise.

Mar 012013
 

I know that anything deemed a vegetable is supposedly good for you. I’d like to share a few little known vegetable facts, though. I thought these were common knowledge, but I guess the vegetable lobby is stronger than I thought.

Carrots – They’re good for your eyes! Oh, yay! So good that your eyes will start to grow larger and larger. Do you want your eyes to grow too big for the sockets and pop out and then you have to replace them with carved radish eyes? Then stop eating carrots.

Red Cabbage – This isn’t even supposed to be food, you know. It’s one of those decorative border plants. Also it contains a rare crystallized form of beta carotene which goes right to your spleen and refracts light improperly. Eventually your spleen starts to glow.

Capers – These aren’t even vegetables; they’re edible flowers just like broccoli. Anyway, if you eat enough of them your face will stay like that forever and you’ll turn to a life of crime.

Okra – Actually, I was prepared speak out against okra, but then I remembered how much I enjoyed okra curry that we ordered from the internet one time. Carry on, okra, you’re delicious.

Next time, we’ll talk about awesome vegetables, like leeks (the perfect vegetable because they’re technically in the bacon food group).

Feb 272013
 

20130227_134723Hey, do you guys know what sugru is? The wikipedia article says, “Sugru, or Formerol, is a patented multi-purpose, non-slumping brand of silicone rubber that resembles modeling clay.” I like to think of it as the stuff that fixes all the things.

I’m in Minnesota this week spending as much time as possible in Steve’s hot tub, and the floating thermometer kept getting fresh. You know, floating places it wasn’t exactly welcome. And he asked if it would be possible to use one of my precious little packets of sugru to make a hook to stick on the side of the tub to capture the thermometer.

Of course it is possible; I also fixed a little hook in the kitchen whose tip had broken off. Anyway, I thought I’d share some pictures of the hook. Maybe you’ll all be inspired to make functional tiny penis art* for your own homes!

20130227_134741(0)

 

Considering this blog’s traffic consists mostly of people googling “orgy mansions” and Steve’s readers (probably wondering what the fuck is wrong with me), I have high hopes for this prediction.

 

* The line to critique my dick-sculpting skills forms to the right, please; I also can’t draw them.

Feb 062013
 

There’s got to be a band name somewhere between those two concepts. I saw a couple of links this morning that I felt deserved more than a tweet to pass on.

This gentleman went to the Playboy Mansion and “it was kinda depressing”. Yeah, that does seem like a weird, awkward atmosphere, but I don’t find it depressing. The pictures remind me of sex clubs — the not-at-all accidental cushioned locations, the baskets of toiletries, the colorful, tufted birds on the lawn…

If I were running an orgy mansion (and surely it is only a matter of time before I realize this dream), I’d want to go more in the “comfortable home” direction than “super-luxury hotel.” Super-luxury means worrying that some crazy sex move will end in sweeping a leg into a vase worth millions, and having to concern yourself with keeping body fluids off of unwashable fabrics.

Speaking of body fluids, shouldn’t there be baskets of condoms in an orgy mansion? Any sex club I’ve ever been in had them next to any fuck-on-able surface. My orgy mansion (I’m taking suggestions for names!) would be way better equipped than this, and have tasteful, inexpensive knickknacks. Also, books. Books everywhere. First, you can’t just fuck all the time, you need other things to do. Second, reading is sexy. I’d have regular reading salons where everyone would lounge and read to each other, which leads naturally to orgies.

Enough about orgies.

Rocket cats. Actually, rocket-propelled cats and birds in late period manuscripts. How was this a good idea? “I’ll attach a bag of fire to this cat, and it will run into a barn full of straw, thus exploding my enemies!” That’s a Michael-Bay-bad idea. These people have totes never tried to get a cat to do anything.

I was also struck by how the flames shooting out of the devices were conveniently not burning the tails of the cats or birds. Note to artists: cats with tails down like that aren’t stressed (ie, there’s no bag of fire strapped to their backs).

Jan 192013
 

You are walking in a beautiful sunlit meadow. Flowers turn their faces to the sun and butterflies flutter in the light breeze. A single dark cloud hunches on the horizon but that is probably totally not a portent of anything. To the east is a forest. To the north is a footpath through the meadow.

>GO EAST

You go east. There is an ancient oak tree in front of you. At the base a door is affixed.

>EXAMINE DOOR

The door is wooden, about a foot tall. The fixtures are dark with age and strange runes are scratched on the surface.

>OPEN DOOR

As you crouch down and open the door, forest creatures fall silent and the sunlight dims. Inside is a swirling vortex of color and trivia. A reeking fog seeps up from the ground and envelops your legs. Low desperate whimpers can be heard from the vortex. You feel as though all hope has gone from your world.

>WHAT THE FUCK, MAN

The door leads to the wikipedia page for Optimus Prime.

>OH SHIT

Right? It is massive. There are over 200 citations.

>READ IT

Are you sure? It could take weeks. You might die before you finish.

>READ IT

Every bit of information about every incarnation of this transformer, including summaries of every cartoon episode he’s appeared in and lists of every Optimus Prime toy ever, is laid out awkwardly before you. None of the writing style is encyclopedic. Two hours in, you spot a typo.

>UGH SOMEONE SHOULD FIX THAT

Wikipedia is the encyclopedia that anyone can edit!

>EDIT TYPO

Nope! This page is protected because it has been vandalized many times. You can’t edit it.

>GO TO TALK PAGE

You don’t want to do that. It is almost worse there.

>CLOSE BROWSER TAB

Congratulations! You win this game!