Mar 012013

Right, when I posted some facts about secretly-terrible vegetables, I promised that next time we’d talk about awesome vegetables. That’s still on the slate. Before I get to that I feel honor-bound to discuss a few things commonly — but erroneously — considered vegetables.

Badgers – Not everything that is delightful when lightly sauteed is a vegetable. Inside their hairy peel, badgers are actually a source of meat!

Fiddleheads – This is a trick, because even though fiddleheads are ferns, they’re also vegetables. They can kill you with microbes that cause string concerts to well up from the depths of your being and spill out of your throat. Until you die.

[enter a squirrel]

Acorns – Nope, under their little berets, these foodstuffs are actually a nut and if you eat them an oak tree will grow in your stomach. If you have nimble abs you might be able to create a bonsai masterpiece.

[exit a slightly sadder squirrel]

Astronaut Ice Cream – This a dessert treat with all the fun and delightful texture of eating a vegetable. None of the flavor, food value, or nutrition, though.

Mushrooms – Most mushrooms are actually fungi but some of them will give you extra lives, like the ST:tNG episode The Inner Light.

 I hope you’ve enjoyed this continuing blog series on vegetables. Next time I’ll totally talk about awesome vegetables, I promise.

Mar 012013

I know that anything deemed a vegetable is supposedly good for you. I’d like to share a few little known vegetable facts, though. I thought these were common knowledge, but I guess the vegetable lobby is stronger than I thought.

Carrots – They’re good for your eyes! Oh, yay! So good that your eyes will start to grow larger and larger. Do you want your eyes to grow too big for the sockets and pop out and then you have to replace them with carved radish eyes? Then stop eating carrots.

Red Cabbage – This isn’t even supposed to be food, you know. It’s one of those decorative border plants. Also it contains a rare crystallized form of beta carotene which goes right to your spleen and refracts light improperly. Eventually your spleen starts to glow.

Capers – These aren’t even vegetables; they’re edible flowers just like broccoli. Anyway, if you eat enough of them your face will stay like that forever and you’ll turn to a life of crime.

Okra – Actually, I was prepared speak out against okra, but then I remembered how much I enjoyed okra curry that we ordered from the internet one time. Carry on, okra, you’re delicious.

Next time, we’ll talk about awesome vegetables, like leeks (the perfect vegetable because they’re technically in the bacon food group).