Feb 292016

I slipped on ice and broke my ankle on 2/7/16. Had surgery 2/17/16. Today I saw my foot for the first time since then! I also saw today’s x-ray images on a monitor and it looks great.

According to my health app thingy, the surgery was “ORIF of left ankle lateral malleolus fracture” and here’s some other dude’s x-ray I found on google with that search term: it is kinda similar to mine although my screws are smaller and much nicer. Really my whole ankle is nicer than that one but it was the closest I could find. Also I have one more screw at the bottom.

After cutting off the splint but before the stitches came out, I took this picture of the stitches. I did not put it on twitter because I’m so nice but I can’t NOT post it on the internet.

left ankle surgical site with stitches

See how nice it’s healing? And my tattoo looks like it will be okay too.

Feb 122016

So my friend sent me a link to this article full of mostly stupid opinions about a stupid subject (why aren’t young women voting for Hillary Clinton?) and my ankle is fucking broken so I not only had time to read it, I have time to make a post about this bit:

But I’ll admit that women are much better off today than when I was growing up, when, for instance, the right to contraception, abortion, equal pay, equal credit were non-existent. I can see why a young woman might look at the world today and fail to see the urgency of having a woman in office. Older women, while not universally wild about Clinton, are more likely to support her than millennials. They not only know the candidate better, but they have also suffered longer from gender discrimination and know the burden of caring for their families without adequate day care, parental leave, sick leave or other similar programs. They may feel more keenly the difference that a woman president would make in their lives.

HONEY. Millennials work in disrupted gig culture. They’re on 1099s, with no leave at all and certainly no cash for day care. That’s why they don’t have kids. Unless they’re polyamorous and already found a unicorn, they can’t afford babies. They’re not making your same painful choice between a baby bump or giant corporate shoulder pads. They can’t have either.

Not that they have a lot of reproductive choice, because that’s the other thing. All this fine-ass contraception and abortion you think you won the right to is being taken away bit by bit. Kids are still getting bullshit abstinence-only education and then there’s a legislatively-mandated transvaginal ultrasound up the hoo-ha if they ask about getting an abortion.

Second-wave feminists who enjoy yelling at us from atop your empty harpy-nests made of laurels, I am talking to you now: Everything you fought for, the things you’re so fucking smug about “getting” for your daughters and granddaughters (not for the inner city kids, but don’t worry, the Black Panthers were handling getting those kids free breakfast), all those things turned out to be paper castles. Burned up in mortgage or tech bubbles. Soaked into mush by high-deductible health plans. Stomped into the dirt by student loan debt and inadequate veterans’ services. Shot by a domestic terrorist. You didn’t win shit for them and if you think you got something so fucking great, turn around and check your hoard, because ain’t shit there either.

Equal pay? I think equal pay should mean everyone gets a living wage, free healthcare* and education, food, a safe place to sleep, and access to art and transportation. Like this is bare minimum shit I’m mentioning off the top of my head, and unless everybody has it, I don’t give that much of a fuck whether I’m earning 80 imaginary cents on an imaginary dollar. The male-identifying people on my team at my corporate job make the same wage I do.

None of this is to say that I don’t think sexism and misogyny matter. Of course they do. What I am saying is that if you thought women in their 20s were going to look at the shitshow of national politics and go, “wow, that Hilary sure is FEMALE and she’s been endorsed by the creator of GIRLS** so that just tears it!” then you are wrong and an idiot but maybe your shortsightedness will get us closer to an honest revolution. There is no “urgency” about putting a woman on the throne (which is what it sounds like when you talk about putting someone “in the White House,” did you know?).

What is urgent right now is ending economic violence, and that’s about class. I’m watching Black Lives Matter activists way more closely than the primaries. They might do something that improves things for young women. Hilary sure the fuck isn’t going to.



* healthcare includes abortion, services for trans people, mental health care, dental care, eye exams, pot, and everything else that for some fucking reason or another is hard to get even with “good” health coverage

** I’ve never seen Girls? But I think I’m talking about Lena Dunham here. I dunno.

Feb 042015

Have you seen Borgia? I’m not talking about The Borgias, which I have not yet seen; I mean BORGIA: FEAR AND LOATHING. Anyway, you ought to watch all three seasons immediately, if not sooner, and then contemplate the similarity between Cesare and Peter Pan. The need for a woman with beautiful hair to show a charmingly murderous man with mental health issues how to be pure is evidently universal. So without further ado:


He did a great job amassing territory!


But we know his true motivation.


He never truly appreciated the blinding love of a father.


He was not exactly a feminist.


…in spite of how much he cared for Wendy.


…and she for him.


Nevertheless, scholars wrote glowingly about him.


In fact, one could believe that Mr. Barrie not only admired Cesare, but aspired to be like him, should he ever grow up.


And who could forget the triumphant moment when Peter Banning finally recaptures the power of his predatory youth?

Peter Pan 2

All who had ears to hear with fought at Cesare’s side that day, and the birds and gators of Neverland feasted on the flesh of Lost Boys.


I can’t figure out just the right della Rovere quote for this one. Help me out in comments.


Also, thanks to Steve, Toni, and Matt for all the help.

Aug 032014

The problem with a solo cardio workout is how to keep pushing yourself. I’ve written up this playlist with some ideas. Assemble these tracks, strap on your hardiest sports bra, and let the dark side of the Force flow through your cardio machine. Tap into your anger and your hate. Become stronger with each passing moment. Heck, blow up a planet! Afterward, you may visit your local farmers market for overpriced strawberry-rhubarb yogurt, made from happy cows.

For stretching and warming up, I recommend the serene, dulcet-toned podcast “Welcome to Nightvale.” Those guys are gosh-darn adorable. Then we move into the cardio routine. I use an elliptical, but this mix can also be adapted for treadmills or cycles. Rowing machines are right out, though, because I do not understand how they work.

“Voodoo Child” Rogue Traders, 3:58. (I like to think of this as the Lucy Saxon song; it’s in Doctor Who S3E12 The Sound of Drums.) Here come the drums, so start strong! If you don’t really bring it from the get-go, your whole workout may suffer, so just think of how great it would be to rule the world from an enormous flying castle, doing a little evil dance. A physically fit global dictator is a global dictator who grips the planet firmly, allowing nothing to slip through her fingers. Run fast to put some iron in your glove!

“Work Bitch” Britney Spears, 3:54. Now that you’re sweating a little, and starting to regret being at the gym at all, you need something slightly more motivational. A dominatrix driving a Maserati through the desert ought to do it. You are permitted to become incandescent with anger over the issue of B’s grossly unfair conservatorship, but I caution you not to damage the machine by clawing at the handgrips in impotent rage.

“Electric Lady” Janelle Monae feat. Solange, 5:09. Janelle Monae is not, as many people believe, the perfect human being. She is a glorious robot. She will never stop. She will never leave you, never shout at you, or get drunk and hit you, or say she’s too busy to spend time with you. Janelle Monae will always be there. And she absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead. Run faster on that elliptical, though, because hey, someone’s got to survive Skynet, might as well be you!

“Q.U.E.E.N.” Janelle Monae feat. Erykah Badu, 5:10. Did you know this album was Hugo-eligible and yet somehow the voters did not even manage to get it nominated? Remembering this will remind you of how wrong it was that Tatiana Maslany was snubbed by the Emmys. She should be holding Best Actress and Best Supporting Actress, but those fools, those meager-headed fools. Your anger should have you going hard now, but if it gets to be too much, remind yourself that the Emmys are merely an excuse to collect more pictures of Natalie Dormer (legitimate sexual preference). You may also, if it helps, picture yourself accepting various awards or demanding the return of your pyramids. Remember always that you are not weird to dance alone late at night.

“Look at Miss Ohio” Whisperado, 2:46. This song is not quite fast enough for cardio, but I like it, so you will crank the machine way up to a knee-maiming hill toward the end of Q.U.E.E.N. and spend these few minutes grinding through being depressed about all the ways in which you are not, in fact, doing right, right now. Promise yourself that as soon as you get home, you’re going to straighten it all out somehow; you’re going to really clean the house/get a degree/learn how to fix cars/write a novel. For sure this time. If necessary, you may spend a few minutes being wistful about running around with the ragtop down in the Chrystler Le Baron you used to own.

Daft Punk’s “Get Lucky,” metal cover by Halestorm, 3:09. “Get lucky,” you will sneer, “sure, lucky, whatever bro,” as you think of every sexual interaction you later felt awkward about (which, to be clear, is most of them). Think about how much it hurts to stay up all night. Wonder if that hot guy over there doing hammer curls with terrible form is that sloppy about things in bed, just pumpgrunting away through the night? Did he see you looking at him? Oh shit, I think he did. Quick, stare at a TV!

“Gunpowder & Lead” Miranda Lambert, 3:12. Hey, kids, murder is pretty cool! As this song plays, picture the sweat pouring off your arms and face as the blood of those who have wronged you. Is this workout over yet? How can there be another hill? You will build a taller hill than this, and you will build it with the corpses of people who are wrong on twitter about rape culture or ’90s TV shows. You will surmount all the hills and you will kill and you will kill and you will kill again. Killing is what little girls are made of.

“Stardust Kids – A Plus D” a dj BC mashup, 4:10. Doesn’t it suck that no matter how much you love David Bowie, none of your favorites are any goddamned good for cardio? Sure, there are some more recent tracks that might work, but they’re not what you want. You want to be an alligator. You want to take a drag from time’s cigarette. But you can’t, because those songs are better suited for driving or doing dishes and you’re stuck on this stupid elliptical. It is fine to be angry with the Thin White Duke for this oversight, though I promise you that your workout was the furthest thing from his mind when he was snorting puppetdrugs and painting the faces of slatternly dancers with his toes in Berlin in the ’70s.

“Ride of the Valkyries” Wagner, 5:11. The London Philharmonic has hundreds of musicians. They’ve toured the entire world, hosted all the best composers and musicians, and performed soundtracks for films and video games. The orchestra survived World War II air raids and being featured in an Oasis track. They’ve played with Nightwish, which makes them cooler than you. They are playing their hearts out on this piece. So I think you can run a little faster. Faster! Run! Do it for the Valkyries! Finish strong so that you can be lifted up to join your warrior sisters!