Mar 012013

I know that anything deemed a vegetable is supposedly good for you. I’d like to share a few little known vegetable facts, though. I thought these were common knowledge, but I guess the vegetable lobby is stronger than I thought.

Carrots – They’re good for your eyes! Oh, yay! So good that your eyes will start to grow larger and larger. Do you want your eyes to grow too big for the sockets and pop out and then you have to replace them with carved radish eyes? Then stop eating carrots.

Red Cabbage – This isn’t even supposed to be food, you know. It’s one of those decorative border plants. Also it contains a rare crystallized form of beta carotene which goes right to your spleen and refracts light improperly. Eventually your spleen starts to glow.

Capers – These aren’t even vegetables; they’re edible flowers just like broccoli. Anyway, if you eat enough of them your face will stay like that forever and you’ll turn to a life of crime.

Okra – Actually, I was prepared speak out against okra, but then I remembered how much I enjoyed okra curry that we ordered from the internet one time. Carry on, okra, you’re delicious.

Next time, we’ll talk about awesome vegetables, like leeks (the perfect vegetable because they’re technically in the bacon food group).

  6 Responses to “Vegetables That Are Bad For You”

  1. [Enter Squirrel]
    Squirrel: Oh, nice vegetables! Can I cover them in oozing cheese?
    Ms. Pennyworth: No, you fucking can’t cover them in oozing cheese. You’re a fucking squirrel.
    [Exit Squirrel]

  2. Carrots are merely a socially acceptable way of eating ranch.

    Much like lettuce.

  3. But, but I love my raw veggies! I am going to grasp my broccolini and carrots and heirloom tomatoes and retire to bed, with my books.

  4. By the by, one of my favorite veggies is romanesco. It looks weird but tastes yummy.

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